What I've unlearned.

Becoming Patient #6

Greetings friends,

Before I got sick, I measured my days by how productive they were. If I wasn’t doing something useful, the day might as well have been a waste since I felt like it wasn’t benefiting my future self. Naturally, that mindset stuck around for a while, but recently I realized that it was doing more harm than good. Over the last six months, it’s become apparent that a big part of my healing isn’t just learning more about my symptoms or my body, but unlearning old habits that were quietly holding me back.

If you would have asked me at almost any point in my life whether or not I was a perfectionist, I would have enthusiastically said yes. I pride myself on doing the absolute best that I can, and it seemed like society appreciated that part of me—it led to good grades, jobs, and other opportunities—so it became a positive feedback loop where I became more and more high-achieving. It got to the point where I never even considered “good enough” as an option, and where I put maximal effort towards assignments at school that didn’t really matter in the long run just because I wanted to always maintain a high quality of work. But recently, there’s been one key issue: perfectionism takes a lot of energy—that I don’t have.

Ever since I’ve had less, often unpredictable energy, there hasn’t been much room for perfectionism. I have to prioritize the few things in my life I want to do well, and everything else either has fallen away or I continuously settle for “just ok”. I can’t keep a predictable schedule like I used to, because I might wake up completely wiped out without the energy to follow through on anything. My brain fog makes it so that I sometimes forget really basic things like words, days of the weeks, or birthdays. But I’m slowly teaching myself to be ok with these things, and to recognize that now “good enough” actually is good enough—especially if it gives me the best chance of improvement.

In addition to being a bit of a perfectionist, I’ve also historically been a pretty rigid future thinker. I’ve always had a very specific, linear path of how my life was going to go, and I found comfort in my “high school → college → year of traveling → medical school → residency → fellowship → attending” master plan. Knowing exactly what I had in front of me gave my life structure as I was always working towards something achievable, but it’s also placed pressure on me—which all came crashing down upon getting sick.

One of the hardest parts of my illness was realizing that I didn’t have what it took to finish my high school classes. For years I was the overachiever in class, and then in the blink of an eye just going to school for a day was too much. Thankfully my teachers were all very understanding (and even before my last year I had enough credits to graduate), but the lack of school left a void in my life. I felt aimless and without purpose, wanting to move towards the next part of my plan but without the energy to do so. It’s been a difficult adjustment, and I’m still processing what it means for me—but the bottom line is I’ve had to learn to be ok with some uncertainty in my future plans. I don’t know what next year will bring, and as a result I’ve been focusing a lot more on the present. I do know what right now brings because I’m living it, so I’m always thinking: what can I do to give me just enough direction while simultaneously giving me the best chance to feel better?

I’ve had to unlearn other things too, but my perfectionism and rigidity stick out to me most. And if someday those traits end up benefiting me again, I’m sure they can come out of hibernation—but for now, letting them go creates space for something new. I now have room to be present and mindful of my situation, even when it might seem overwhelmingly negative. I have room to be grateful of small wins rather than assuming they will happen, and I have room for a future full of possibility, not rigidity. Unlearning isn’t easy, and I’m still working on it—but sometimes it’s the only way to make space for who we’re becoming.

This week I’d like to know: What’s something you’ve had to unlearn in order to grow?

Well that’s all for this week friends; if you think this would resonate with someone in your life, please pass it along. I’d love for them to join us on this journey.

Stay curious,

Owen