Unlearning helplessness.
Becoming Patient #20
Greetings friends,
First of all, thanks for your patience as I took a longer-than-expected break. While my travel itself went well, I did unfortunately get sick with a cold that turned into a very unpleasant sinus infection. As you might expect, getting sick on top of already-poor health is a recipe for disaster and I ended up laying in bed for many days. Thankfully I’m back to my baseline now and I hope to get back on my weekly schedule.
One of the strangest parts about having a long-term illness is how small my world is. I used to be passionately involved in a variety of activities, but once my body began to collapse after a school day or a rock climbing session they quickly faded out of my world. Sure, there was a period of trying to “push through” and “overcome” my suffering, only for my body to crash even harder afterwards, leaving me extremely sick and dejected; my body just wouldn’t allow it.
As a lifelong student of psychology (among other things), I can’t help but diagnose myself with some learned helplessness, a concept where someone who repeatedly tries their absolute hardest, but fails, learns to stop trying even when they could potentially succeed. In the short term, I actually view this as a protective mechanism; it keeps me from pushing myself too hard, crashing, and worsening my illness. Particularly in May of this year, my learned helplessness saved me many times over as I skipped school and work days that would have sent me further into illness.
However, as I work towards more precise diagnoses, more effective treatments, and ultimately fewer symptoms, I worry about the long-term impacts of my learned helplessness. As much as I wish I could wake up one day and triumphantly claim that I’m no longer sick, my health doesn’t shift in those kind of dramatic moments. And without that moment where I can assuredly return to my activities, it’s up to me to accurately deduce when each individual thing is possible. If I guess too early, I risk making my illness worse, while if I’m overly conservative I will miss out on time I could have taken part in something fulfilling and meaningful.
It’s clear to me that I will need to retrain my body to recognize what’s safely within my energy limits and what’s not. Right now I’m trying to slowly, carefully walk several times a day so that my body can learn that it’s a safe activity, and I hope to do the same with other pieces of my world too. It’s very slow work, and it’s not without its own challenges, but I’m hoping that making a concerted effort will expand my world, piece by piece.
This week I’d like to know: How do you tell the difference between respecting your limits and holding yourself back?
Well that’s all for this week friends; if you think this would resonate with someone in your life, please pass it along. I’d love for them to join us on this journey.
Stay curious,
Owen